It accrued to me to go into Vipassana as my 40th birthday present to myself. No cleaning, no cooking, no mending, no caring, no talking – why NOT?! It turned out to be the hardest work-out I signed up for since childbirth. Literally!

            Before practice, I had already started my transformation with a 3.5-week cleanse of guts, inflammations, liver, and gall bladder. This was followed by a kinesiology sesh to support this process that gave me another level of physical pain all around my neck and upper left side of my body. And since the stars dictate the transformation in March 2025, I ride the wave with hyper hyper-sensitive energy body and a highly painful physical body too. Which means I`m totally disassembled, fragile, vulnerable, and do not want to engage. The internal process of growth always comes with hard work, fortunately, I am used to hard work and deeply desire to become a better version of myself as I`m stepping into a new decade.  

            The last full-time Vipassana I did in Thailand about 14 years ago, I sat between eclipses and was forced to not engage in a foreign setting. I had a profound shift and beautiful Meta experience which lasted all these years. Yes, eclipses do have that kind of power to change us if we set our intentions straight! This time around I had struggled so much on mental and physiological levels. My thoughts were flowing like a mountain river, so fierce and at high speed. I think only on day 4 I had someone come and “wipe my windows” clarity glimpse momentums, then I remembered about the “thoughts bulldozer” that scrapes and pushes them off the cliff. This trick and remembering that these are only stories we tell ourselves were the saviour in thoughts flash floods. I expected a lot of recent life moments to arise, though prominently I fell into processing my wild 20s. My biggest sankhara was separation from my daughter. I wanted to get up and run to her so many times. Being previously on the path of detachment as a Buddhism follower, I created the biggest trap for my self. 

           Moreover, I`m still in much pain on my left side since the end of January it moved me towards working with colour and self-massage. Being still in the recent cyclone home trap I was flushing whatever is sitting there away. Let go. A lot of things started coming up like sadness, grief, loss, self-pity, depression, and giving up. All around my heart area. I read about few other physiological issues that I have repeatedly through life in “Secret Body Language” a book that all comes down to not fulfilling my potential in being myself. Not able to achieve being myself. Not myself. Who then? Who am I? After this life, after social, cultural, and spiritual influences who have I become? A rethorical and fundamental question, not about identity but rather authenticity. I was not fully accepted by my family, yes was loved but not fully ever accepted. The root of low self-esteem and therefor following dis-eases and external and internal programming. I`m in the process of unravelling it now. Now that I`m 40! I allow myself to become myself. I give myself full permission to become myself!

               Today is the day of 1st eclipse – lunar eclipse in Virgo. And I felt my energy was easing in the morning. Though the pain is still there. It has been hard to explain to anyone the intensity and the amount of feelings that are passing through my body due to the astrological events. I`m riding the wave and letting them pass through observing it all with grace and collecting wisdom that comes in. And letting go. One of my sacred gifts…

                After Vipassana I came out with one clear thing – Meta needs to be practised for 4 days, Vipassana for 2, and Anapana for 4. One day of Meta was not enough, perhaps in these super transformative times, but really anytime. I got out with the feeling that I need more care, more love, more lovingkindness. One is very privileged if you can receive it from outside, from those who love you. Though a habit of mothering yourself is often very distant from self-care practice. And I mean self-love on a very deep level, where you accept all your parts, and love them so deeply that you want to smooch all the little particles of your crystalline being. As you would do to a little puppy. So I`m re-assembling myself into a better version that loves all my particles in the way that I can become more myself. Myself. I am myself. I am.